Dear Fantasy Football:
Football season is around the corner. Can you feel it? Hot summer days, leading into cool fall nights. Tailgating, hot-chocolate, visiting with old friends, friendly rivalry…these are all things football season brings to mind. While bring so much joy to the fall season, you also bring a very dark side.
Conversations with other concerned wives have caused the need to speak out; and as a member of the Jaded Wives of Fantast Football club, I feel it is my duty to speak on behalf of our entire association.
We hate you. I repeat, we hate you. You came into our husbands lives as a fun pastime, to increase the love of NFL football (not that any of them needed MORE reason to love a sport). Over the last few years, you found a way to infiltrate other areas of their lives, like a virus, like a dirty, nasty virus. You have become increasingly more annoying. What started as a 12 member league of managers that comes and goes with football season, has evolved into a year-‘round passion, nay, obsession. While I respect the fundamentals you instill in our husbands (loyalty, fervor, dedication, etc.), you have turned them into monsters.
While you provide an outlet for our husbands to pretend like manage actual squads through drafting/trading players then discussing life on your message boards has become a compulsion that increases in time. Do you know your message-boarding began this year as early as June?? FOOTBALL DRAFTING DOESN’T EVEN BEGIN UNTIL LATE AUGUST!! An example: my husband came home last week and said "the message boards have already begun." Your football related message board has turned into a forum for life. Our husbands discuss anything on what should be football-only boards. Sure, the intention is there… but with one foul comment, they are down the path of destruction only to be stopped, and superseded by the next deceptive (yet funny) comment about someone else’s wife or girlfriend, sexual orientation, home, job or (now) children.
Fantasy Football, we are begging you to take it easy. GIVE US OUR HUSBANDS BACK... if you must be a part of their lives, let your Fantasy Football shenanigans take up only 3/4ths of our husband’s spare time, rather than the usual: EVERY SPARE MOMENT, IN. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.
To sum things up: Block services until August. Have a cap on allowable time per day. Require husbands to spend AS MUCH time with the wives and children they leave behind as they do with their boyfriends/managers daily. If you do those minor little things, we promise to lighten up, and be mostly okay with occasional conversations we have to have to satiate our husbands.
Thank you for listening to our collective complaints. Have a wonderful season. Best of luck with everything…. Kind of.
Members of the Jaded Wives of Fantast Football Club