Dear Mr. Pavelka:
Good Morning. How are you? You do not know me. However, we have some serious issues to work through. Once upon a time, you were a contestant, vying for the heart of Jillian Harris, everyone's favorite Canadian pocket-person. When you were cast aside for being less than stellar in the personality department, I was so sad for you. How can anyone not choose you immediately based solely on your looks??? God knows, I could stare at you for hours a day.
Then ABC came along, clipped your wings, grounded your plane, and moved you to LA to find your "one true love", who ended up being a money grubbing, college drop out who steals money from her ex to buy "enhancements." (Not to mention, she was the UGLIEST (both physically and emotionally) contestant applying for your co-pilot position.) Throughout the taping of The Bachelor: On the Wings Of Love, you showed America that you had the personality of a Slim Jim. While I now understood why Polly Pocket canned you... I still thought you were easy on the eyes. I decided to hang on throughout the season. I couldn't jump ship just because you were boring. Your applicants for co-pilot were entertaining enough to keep me interested (even if I watched your show on fast forward). It was on the season finale that ABC announced your contract renewed....again.... that we were stuck with you...again.... for the last spot on Dancing With The Stars.
Did you disappoint the first week? Of course you did. That is due to no fault of your own, however. Unless you were Nicole Schwerindaggesdrasdfasers from The Pussy Cat Dolls, you were doomed for failure the first week. Did you suck most?...No, but close. Buddy, the second week, Walking Like An Egyptian; this week, showing your Risky Business.... I am LOSING RESPECT FOR YOU BY THE MINUTE.
You no longer have my heart; You no longer have my respect. What you do have, is my cheers and praises for being a complete tard. I am ashamed for you. I feel sad with you. But, do not let that get you down. When the weather is bad, switch off of the auto pilot and move forward. Flame On, Jake Pavelka. Flame on.
P.S. - You do not look like Tom Cruise. You are tall, blond, and your name is not Maverick. The ONLY thing you have in common with that dumb-dumb, is you both have worn aviators at some point in your life.